("The Pleasant Path" photograph taken by Barbara Mace, MBE and used with her permission)

As a survivor of childhood sexual abuse who has discovered freedom from my abuse, I want to help you on your journey towards freedom. These are some of the things I learned on my journey that I want to share with you. This will be the fiercest battle you will ever face – to deal with your past and to obtain your freedom from the pain that you have endured for so long. It will require every bit of persistence on your part and will also include some wonderful things that God will do for you as well. If you are feeling angry and full of rage or simply numb, it is okay. Just take my hand and I will show you the path that will bring you to the most awesome peace and joy you could ever know. I cannot promise that it will be an easy journey but I do know for certain that the reward in the end will be well worth all of your effort. If all you have experienced in life up to this point has been pain; I have good news for you - your pain can be over and you can experience the same peace and joy that I have come to know. Let me take your hand and help you on your journey to wholeness. There are some places on the path where I stumbled and fell so I would like to help you avoid these obstacles. There are also some awesome places along the journey where you will discover what a special and precious person you are and how much God has loved you from the beginning of time. There are other places where you will literally feel like you are dying from your pain. I want to stand with you during those times and keep reminding you of the reward at the end of the journey. Carry this journal with you and keep it handy – it will help you to keep focused on the goal of reaching complete wholeness. These are the things I had to learn the hard way; let me spare you the wasted time and show you things that I know will help you make it through. So welcome, let’s start walking together and we will talk as we go.

Shame and Guilt

First of all, we need to get rid of the two greatest enemies to our freedom: shame and guilt. They have been your constant companions throughout your life but they need to be permanently eliminated because they will keep you in a state of constant victim-mode. If you are anything like me, you have blamed yourself for the abuse and found a way to hate yourself for what someone else did to hurt you. This is what makes childhood sexual abuse so hideous – we take the blame on ourselves for what another person has done to us. Let me tell you something very important: You are not to blame for your abuse. I know that might be hard for you to believe, it certainly was for me. You were a child and an adult took advantage of you. This was totally wrong. You were not wrong, the adult who abused you was wrong. You were not in any way responsible for your abuse. You were not too needy, too provocative or too sexy. You were just a child who wanted to be loved and someone took advantage of that natural need that all children have for love. We are all born with that desire for love and affection. It is completely normal. A child will do anything to fill that need for love and affection and unfortunately sexual predators know this. You were used for someone else’s sadistic pleasure. I know it will be hard to grasp this but keep pondering this until it sinks into your heart. You are carrying shame and guilt that do not belong to you. It belongs to your abuser. You have a hard journey ahead and will need to get rid of shame and guilt as quickly as possible because these enemies will slow you down and keep you from making progress. There is no shame in acknowledging that you were sexually abused as a child. The shame is that someone would harm an innocent little child.

Say out loud “I have nothing to be ashamed of. I was just a little child who wanted to be loved. I no longer need to carry the shame and guilt for something that my abuser did to hurt me. I will no longer carry the guilt and shame that was never mine to begin with. I was a normal child who deserved to be loved and treasured. Instead my abuser took advantage of my need and the shame belongs on him.”

Where in the World was God?

This will perhaps be the hardest question you will grapple with, especially if you have come from a religious background. Why didn’t God stop the abuse? Why did He allow the abuse to happen to you as a little innocent child? It is a question I certainly struggled with. It is hard to understand why bad things happen to innocent children but they do. Just look at all of the natural disasters that have happened in the world where thousands of people have been killed in tsunamis, earthquakes and war. Many times innocent children have suffered through no fault of their own. It is the age-old question – where was God? If He is a God of love why didn’t He stop these things from happening? Humans have asked that question for centuries whenever calamity has befallen them. The answer is that there is no answer to this question.We don’t always know the reason why things turn out the way they do. I have come to accept that life is not always fair and it does not always make sense. The simple truth is that we live in a very flawed world where people hurt other people. God has given each of us a free will to choose. Unfortunately your abuser chose to abuse you and now you are paying for the consequences of his choice. You didn’t ask for the abuse but it happened anyway. You could spend your entire life asking why but the truth is that you are wasting valuable time. There will never be an answer to this question that will ever satisfy you. We often get bogged down in self pity and blaming God and when we do this we simply stay in the victim mode. If you ever want to become a survivor, you must settle this question once and for all and accept that there are some questions for which you will never know the answer. You will have to learn to be okay with not knowing everything. It is time to quit blaming God. I know that He has a wonderful plan foryour life. How do I know this? You are still alive! Be grateful that you made it through –you are not dead but still breathing. That is reason enough to be grateful! Now, decide to discover the purpose of why you are still here. God has a plan to turn all this mess in your life – things that were meant to kill you and turn them into something good. Will you let Him?

Say out loud “I will no longer blame God for my abuse. He did not abuse me but my abuser did. I am glad that I am still alive because there is still hope for me. I will release my anger towards God and find out the purpose He has for my life. I have suffered a lot but I am still breathing. I will just be grateful for that today.”

I Hate Myself and Want to Die!

If you are feeling complete hatred for yourself and have suicidal feelings, please know that you are not alone. This is a very common companion to being traumatized by your abuse. If you feel that you are going to act on your feelings or have made plans to kill yourself, please get yourself to a hospital immediately. It is very important that you take the danger that you are in very seriously! There is nothing to be ashamed of in asking for help. There are professionals who are skilled at dealing with your crisis and they can help you. Please do not take the drastic step of ending your life. Ask for help NOW!

If you are in a perpetual state of self-loathing and feel so damaged, destroyed and worthless, I completely understand and so do millions of others who have been through the trauma of abuse. It is very common to go through stages where you hate yourself - particularly if you are beginning to deal with painful memories or beginning to face the truth about your abuse and how it has devastated your life. You are not alone – all of us have gone through the same feelings of feeling so unlovable and we can’t ever imagine feeling good about ourselves again. It is not uncommon for us to hide behind the shield of extra weight or baggy clothes – anything that will draw attention away from our bodies. We do not want anyone to notice our bodies ever again because we have come to hate our bodies for the pain that they have endured. This is completely understandable. The good news is that you can get past this and begin to see yourself as a beautiful and precious woman but it will take work on yourpart. There is no amount of praise from other people that will ever convince you that you are beautiful and a woman of great value. This is something you have to believe about yourself. This battle of feeling worthless, unlovable and damaged is one that you will fight in your mind. Whether you win or not will be determined by what you choose to believe about yourself. Sometimes it seems that it is much easier to believe the negative but when you do this you are only hurting yourself. If you choose to believe what God says about you - that you are precious and beautiful - then you are choosing the right thoughts. When we chose to feel damaged, unlovable and unworthy then we are letting our abuser win over us. I don’t know about you but I don’t want to let my abuser win! Look at yourself the way God sees you – He still thinks you are precious and He loves you with an everlasting love. He doesn’t see the scars of that past but He sees you as you are and He thinks you are incredibly awesome and beautiful – right now just the way you are! You will only find true love foryourself when you see yourself through the eyes of God.

Say out loud: “I am beautiful and I am worthy of love. Jesus paid the ultimate price of His own life so that I could understand that God loves me with an everlasting love. I choose to believe everything that God says about me and not the negative things my mind has been programmed to believe about myself. I am beautiful. I am God’s treasure and I am worthy of His love therefore I am worthy of other people’s love as well.”

Cutting and Self-Harm

Sometimes we feel so overwhelmed by the grief caused by our abuse when we realize how much has been stolen from us that we simply become numb. We have cried and sobbed and suddenly there are no more tears and we become completely numb. This is totally normal and avery difficult stage in your journey. You may feel like you want to cry but cannot. Our grief and pain continues to build inside and we seek away to release the pain and when the tears or anger are not there we often try to harm ourselves. Cutting often becomes a way for us to feel something – anything – because we are so uncomfortable with being numb. I used to cut around my eyes because I hated how dead they looked. It has often been said that “the eyes are the window to the soul” and if that is true then all I saw was a soul that was completely dead. I often felt like an old abandoned house in a ghost town where the wind just blew through the broken out windows. There was nothing to stop the wind because there was nothing left inside of me. I felt completely shut down. My mind could no longer process anything – I had become numb. Cutting and watching myself bleed made me feel like maybe I was still alive – the pain of the cutting gave me comfort that I could still feel something. This became a vicious cycle. Please know that if you are cutting yourself or into any type of self-harm, it becomes very addictive and you often cannot stop without professional help. Please ask for help immediately and know that there are professionals who can help you to stop this destructive behavior. When you are cutting, you are trying to release the pain inside of you but you are doing it in a way that is harmful to you. There are much better ways to get in touch with your pain. You just need some help to figure out how to get in touch with that part of you that is so badly wounded. When you get to this point, it is critical that you find someone to talk to. It could be a pastor, friend, counselor or therapist. You need to talk, even if you feel like there is nothing to say. You actually have a lot to say but you are stuck. Having someone to help you, to get you to talk often helps you get past the blockage in your heart and you will once again find the release that you need.

Say out loud “I have been numb and cutting has been a way for me to feel my pain. It is not a healthy way because it is further harming me. I will seek help and quit destroying my body. I am a woman of great value and worth to God. I will no longer punish myself. I do not deserve to be punished but to be loved. God loves me with an everlasting love. His love for me is unconditional and is not based on anything I can do for Him but strictly on His desire to love me. I will let God’s love surround me and give me peace.”

Sex – You Have Got to Be Kidding!

If you were sexually abused as a child, you will often feel that you have had all the sex you want for a lifetime. It is understandable that we feel this way but certainly not the way God planned for us to live. Many times we grow up stuffing the pain and thinking that someday we will find the right man who will love us enough to magically take away all the pain we feel inside. We marry Prince Charming and think that everything will be wonderful. Suddenly we find out that not even Prince Charming can love away the hurt. This makes us feel betrayed all over again and our anger and rage towards men rears its ugly head. When the reality hits us that not even Prince Charming can save us, we panic! We feel trapped in a relationship that we do not want to be in because we find the memories of our abuse boiling to the surface. So what do we do? We sabotage our relationships in order to save face and prove our theory true: that all men are just like our abusers. This deep-seated hatred for men causes us to want to push those we love away.

We usually pick one of two extremes: either we become promiscuous and have sex with multiple partners with no sense of valuing ourselves at all or we take the opposite approach and choose not to ever have sex or to withhold sex. The married woman finds herself either in a position where she cannot be faithful to her spouse and gives herself away indiscriminately or she completely shuts down with her spouse and becomes frigid. The single woman finds herself either in a series of failed relationships or a complete “man-hater”. If you have problems with sex after being sexually abused as a child – welcome to the club. You are definitely not alone. There is so much for us to talk about on this issue that I will break this up into several topics. First of all, we must acknowledge that sex is not love and love is not sex. Often as children we were conditioned by our abuser to equate the two. They are not the same.

God designed sex to be a part of a union between a husband and wife. It was designed not only for procreation but also for our pleasure (you may find that hard to believe but it is true). Sex is not something dirty because God is the one who created it. If God created sex than it stands to reason that it is a good thing. What we have experienced as abused children is the exact opposite of what God intended sex to be. Sex is never to be used as a weapon to hurt or destroy another person and it certainly was never intended to happen between an adult and a child. As children we often only felt love from our abusers when we were being abused. Naturally this left us very confused about sex. Come take my hand and we will walk together along this slippery and confusing path called SEX and I will share with you things I learned along my journey.

Say out loud: “I now realize that sex and love are not the same. I know that God only wants good things for me. Sex was God’s idea so He must have a plan for me regarding sex. I am willing for God to bring wholeness to my sexual life and heal me from my wounds.”

Why Would Anyone Want to be Intimate Anyway?

Often when we approach sex, we find that our real problem is more about intimacy and trust than it is about sex. We have been so wounded and so deeply hurt that we vow never to let anyone ever hurt us again. We fear being vulnerable because our childhood has taught us that being vulnerable is not safe. We put up a shield of defense that makes us feel safe because it keeps everyone else at arm’s length. People respond to those defenses by withdrawing from us and in exchange we feel lonely and unloved. We never allow ourselves to let down our guard and be authentic. We make the people who love us go through a virtual booby-trapped minefield to reach inside of our hearts. Too often they give up in frustration and claim that we are not worth the effort. Our relationship dies. We play the old sad song “Why can’t anyone love me?” never realizing that people are trying to but can’t because we won’t let them! I brought my marriage to the brink of complete destruction playing this little game so I know all about this one. It is the grace of God that my husband didn’t walk right out the door. If you have found yourself in a series of failed relationships – in marriage or in other relationships in general, the answer lies in taking a hard look at yourself. I thought for many years that everyone else was wrong but in the end I found out that I was driving people away by shielding myself and not wanting to be vulnerable. We send two signals to people. On the one hand we say, “Please love me” and on the other hand our actions are saying, “Just leave me alone”. This can be very confusing for the people in our lives, especially if they are not from a dysfunctional background. It is like being on a treadmill – we can run all day but never really get anywhere. In order for us to ever be able to love and trust someone else we have to first of all love and trust ourselves. The whole concept of love and trust is completely foreign to us so we need to ask God to show us how. We need to come to Him as little children with our broken hearts and askHim to fix them. The miracle oflearning to trust and love can only come from God. You can never manufacture it on your own.

Say out loud: "I have been afraid to love and trust. My abuse taught me that it was not safe to do so. I am no longer under the control of my abuser so it is okay for me to trust and love. I cannot do this on my own; I need God’s help. I need to learn to let Him show me how to love and trust the right people in my life."

Is This a Flashback or Insanity?

When we begin to deal with the memories of childhood abuse it is never a simple process. It is often compared to peeling off the layers of an onion. As we finally allow ourselves to explore one memory that we have hidden inside for a long time it will often trigger more memories. Some people are frustrated that they seem to have no memories at all about their abuse but just a sense that “something happened that was not right”. Maybe someone told them about abuse that happened to them, which they simply do not remember. For others, once one memory comes to the surface it seems to bubble up a well of new memories that often leave you feeling overwhelmed. This barrage of memories often sets the stage for flashbacks, which are very difficult to explain unless you have experienced one. Basically a flashback is when time seems suspended and your mind takes you back to a place where you seem to relive the abuse in such vivid detail that you would swear that the abuse is actually occurring all over again. These episodes are brought on by triggers, which are things that we see, feel, smell, hear or touch that remind us of our abuse and cause our mind to “flashback” to the past and re-visit an old memory. These episodes can be terrifying and particularly frightening if you are not aware of what is happening. Often people will say,“I felt like I was being abused all over again” or “I felt like I was losing my mind.” Neither case is true. It is important to understand that flashbacks are memories of things we have already survived – they are not more abuse.

When I began to unbury all the memories I stuffed inside of me, I had a very difficult period where I had lots of flashbacks. I would find myself hyperventilating, my heart would race and I would be in a state of sheer panic and terror. Suddenly, I would be back in my childhood reliving the horror of my abuse and I would feel so vulnerable and out of control. They were the most frightening experiences of my life. I literally lived in fear of having another flashback and that kept me in a state of being hyper-vigilante. It was the hardest part of my journey by far and made me feel like I was literally losing my mind. Without warning, vivid memories of my abuse would bombard me and I felt so helpless.

I needed to learn how to ground myself. My therapist taught me that when flashbacks came that I needed right in the middle of the flashback to talk out loud to myself and say: “This is just a memory, this is not more abuse.” If the flashback was particularly vivid, I would stamp my feet on the floor and say to myself “I am here in the present, what I am seeing are images of the past. I have already survived this abuse and this flashback is just a memory – nothing more.” If you are having flashbacks, please contact a professional therapist who is trained to help you. They have the skills you need. It is obvious that you have a lot of memories that need to be processed and they can help you with this. You do not have to go through this alone. Don’t let anyone tell you that you are crazy – you are not. Flashbacks are just painful memories that your mind could not process in your childhood. Your mind now is ready to process these memories but you will need help from a professional to get you through this rough patch on your journey towards wholeness.

Say out loud: “God has not given me a spirit of fear but of love, power and a sound mind. I will deal with these hurtful memories and will not stuff them back inside again. If I deal with them, then I will be on the road to wholeness and freedom. I will remember that as painful as these memories are that I will be okay because I have already survived the abuse. These memories are just images that I will be able to let go as I give them to God. It is God who now keeps me safe. I will rest in Him knowing that He will help me get through this.”

Why Don’t I Remember Much?

For those who don’t recall very much about their past abuse, they often feel like they have huge hunks of their life that are just “blank spaces”. While others seem to remember all about their childhood teachers, pranks done at school and good memories - these people just don’t seem to remember much at all about their childhood. I have often heard them say, “It feels like my childhood has been erased”. There can be two reasons for this. One is repressed memory where our minds involuntarily just blocked out images and events that were too painful to remember or secondly, we suppress the memories in an effort to “stuff the pain”and avoid dealing with the pain. There is nothing to be ashamed of if you don’t remember much about your abuse as long as you are sure that you are not “stuffing your pain”. There is only so long that a person can “stuff their pain” before the powder keg blows up and they find themselves completely shattered and broken. There is no need to “try to manufacture memories” but just be certain that you are not deliberately “stuffing” - which can have devastating consequences. Our minds are magnificent in design. God created our mind to protect itself. If you don’t remember a whole lot, that is okay, be grateful. I think God allows our minds to only remember the things that are important to remember so that we can deal with those issues. When we have allowed ourselves to open up before God and still find that there are not a lot of memories, we can still deal with the issues that the abuse has brought into our lives. I know many people who remember very little about their childhood abuse– just bits and pieces - but their life has still been greatly impacted by the abuse. It is not so important to remember how we got to the place of being so “messed up” but to get to the place of freedom and wholeness. You still need to deal with the issues that affect you regardless of whether or not you remember exactly what “Uncle Charlie” did to you. The important thing is not the memories but to work on getting rid of anything in your life that is holding you back from the wonderful freedom that Jesus has to offer you.

Say out loud: “I will make sure that I am not deliberately hiding from my past. I will be open for God to reveal areas of my past that He feels I need to deal with. As long as I remain open to God and I still do not remember much about my abuse, I will just be thankful that God has protected my mind from things that are too hard for me to process. I do see the areas in my life that have been devastated by my abuse. I will participate with God and work on these dysfunctional areas by being willing for God to change my heart and bring me to a place of freedom and wholeness.”

Will Anyone Believe Me?

One of the scariest things about telling your story of abuse is the fear that no one will believe you. This is especially true if your abuser is someone who is well respected in your community or a person in a position of authority. This fear often keeps us paralyzed and keeps us from telling anyone. Because of this, we end up carrying the entire burden alone and it is all inside of us festering like an open wound. I know this fear well because I have tasted it and I lived with this fear for decades. The truth is that as long as you keep your secret stuffed inside, you will never have any chance to find your freedom from your pain. You can never know freedom unless you are willing first of all to acknowledge the truth. You do not need to tell the world as I have done but you do need to tell someone. Often those closest to you, such a family will be the least receptive to you. They will often respond with disbelief and this will make you feel victimized all over again. It might be better for you to disclose your secret to someone who is not so close to the situation. If your father abused you, your mother might not be your best choice to be the first one to tell your secret to. You might find someone such as a friend, a pastor, a counselor or therapist to be a much better choice. The important thing is that you must find someone to tell. If you can find no one to tell go to one of my favorite websites: www.brokenspirits.com and click on “Interactive Community”. Go to the topic that says “Share Your Stories” and tell your story. You do not need to use your name – you can use a nickname. You will find so many wonderful and caring people who will not only believe you but they will help you on your journey. This is a great place to start if you just cannot find the courage to tell a person face-to-face. Eventually you will be able to tell someone in person but this website will help you get there. As long as you keep the secret trapped inside of you, it will continue to wreck havoc in your life. You will be amazed at what exposing your secret to the light of day will do for you. Not only will it lift a huge burden from your shoulders but will be the first step on your journey to freedom. I cannot promise that everyone will believe you but I can promise you that someone will. Take that first leap of faith and tell someone today. Remember it is the truth that will set you free!

Say out loud: “I am tired of hiding my secret and I will tell someone today. I will overcome my fear and tell the truth. I will no longer carry this burden alone. I will start on the first step of my journey by telling my secret. The truth will set me free.”

Was I Abused or  Wasn’t I?

Oftentimes when we begin to deal with our abuse, there is so much confusion that we feel like we have a split personality. We will sometimes feel so sure that we were abused and other times there are so many doubts that we wonder if we are just making things up. This “tug of war” that we go through is all very normal and to be expected. Dealing with something as traumatic as childhood sexual abuse causes us to be bombarded on all sides with conflicting emotions. We may have vivid memories of abuse and find that we just simply cannot process them or we may have fleeting memories of bits and pieces that often leave us wondering what really happened. Take heart my friend. You are now dealing with the things that could not be processed in your childhood because your mind just was not able to understand. Now that you are adult and find these memories and emotions coming to the surface, it can be just as intimidating to you as if you were a child. You will often feel the same fear, insecurity and confusion that you felt as a child. This is all perfectly normal. Victims of abuse never wake up one morning and find that they have figured out the past and have a perfect understanding of what happened to them. You will find that a therapist or counselor can be so helpful to get you to talk out your feelings and memories and begin to make sense of the things that you remember. You need to learn to trust your own heart and instincts. Very often we were taught as children to disregard our instincts but this is a God-given ability that every healthy child has to help them to keep safe. When that instinct was belittled or disregarded, then you often found yourself feeling a lot of inner conflict. Your heart was trying to protect you but you were told not trust in your instincts. You are adult now and can and should listen to your heart.

When you go through this process with a therapist or counselor, start with the premise that you will listen to your heart and not come to any pre-conceived conclusions. As you talk out your story and the things that you remember, in time you will begin to understand if you were abused or not. It is a process and the process is never a linear one but one that involves a lot of “tug of war” as you grapple with the conflicting emotions on the inside of you. Don’t let anyone tell you that you are crazy but also don’t try to make up any memories that are not there. Let the past reveal itself to you and take your time to examine the fragments and pieces that come to your consciousness. This is an unsettling time for you and understandably so. Don’t be hard on yourself –this is all very hard work.

If you come to realize that you were abused, it is no reason to give up hope. Now you can begin to understand why your relationships have been so messed up and why you have reacted the way you have in the past. This is where you will begin a journey towards your freedom. It all starts with acknowledging the truth because you can never overcome anything that you don’t first of all acknowledge. Now that you have identified the truth, you can work on getting yourself healthy. Remember it is the truth that will set you free!

Say out loud: “God, I am asking you to show me the truth about my past. There is so much confusion and turmoil inside. I know that you want me to live a life with abundant peace and joy and I cannot do that as long as the turmoil is brewing inside. I am willing to allow you to show me the truth so that I can be set free.”

To Eat or Not to Eat

One of the ways we often deal with the pain of our abuse is through food. We will go between two extremes: either bulimia or anorexia. Sometimes we will vacillate between the two if we really want to get things complicated. As a person who spent twenty years of my life bingeing and purging, I can tell you that this destructive behavior is all part of the self-hatred that accompanies childhood sexual abuse. We see ourselves as so damaged and worthless that we feel that no one could ever love us – so why should we love ourselves?

Can you relate to this? I would often gorge myself with food trying to somehow find that illusive comfort that I thought it would bring me. Disappointment would soon set in and I would throw the food away in disgust, only to later retrieve it from the garbage to eat it. (Yes, I have actually done this – you would not believe the gross things I pulled out of the garbage and ate!) I was always trying to fill this empty feeling inside of me – trying so desperately to feel good about myself. After stuffing myself I would feel so horrible that I would take 18-20 laxatives at a time trying to rid myself of the filth that I felt on the inside of me. It had nothing to do with food and everything to do with the fact that I hated me and I tried to punish myself for my abuse. If you have been involved with an eating disorder you can understand this addictive self-destructive behavior. A doctor told me, “not all girls who have eating disorders have been abused but almost all girls who have been abused have eating disorders”. Why is this? Because we are filled with self-contempt and we feel an insatiable need to punish ourselves by taking that hatred out on our own bodies. I tried for many years to stop my eating disorder and I could simply could not. There are programs that can help and I tried one but until you face the pain of your abuse and conquer it; you will always be one relapse away from going right back to your destructive behavior. The change has to come from the inside of you. The eating disorder is just a symptom of the real problem of feeling so damaged and destroyed inside.

So what can we do? Here is where we need to acknowledge our weakness and rely on God’s strength to help us. This can literally be a life or death decision for you and it has so little to do with your willpower and everything to do with your will. What do I mean by that? We need to let God into our secret little world of control that we have so meticulously built and allow Him to change us from the inside out. We need to look at ourselves from His point of view and not our distorted one. We need to believe what He says about us - not the lies we tell ourselves.

Say out loud: "I am beautiful in God’s eyes and my abuse does not change that. I have tried in vain to manage my pain using food and it is not working. I need a completely new view of how precious I really am. I need to see myself the way God sees me. He says I am beautifully and wonderfully made. I will believe what God says about me. I am beautiful and I am wonderful."

Help! I’m Shutting Down

There will be times when you will feel yourself completely shutting down and going numb. It usually follows a period of time when you have been overwhelmed with emotions. Afterwards you suddenly seem to feel nothing. You feel the need to cry but you just can’t. What is going on? You have gone numb.

I have no answer as to why this happens I just know that I experienced the same thing several times and it is very frustrating because the pain is still gnawing on inside of you but it seems you have no way of expressing it. It is like someone turned the power off and you are completely shut down. So what are you to do? Realize that being shut down is normal and other people experience the same thing from time to time. Don’t beat yourself up for this. Perhaps it is our mind and emotions simply taking a break from all that we have been through. Whatever the reason, just be as kind to yourself as possible. You do not need the added stress of constantly putting yourself down to add to this. Take extra naps and get the rest that you might not have been able to get when your emotions were highly charged. Take this time to regroup and get yourself prepared for the next time your emotions come boiling to the surface. This is a temporary phase you are in and it will pass. You will not stay numb forever. Do whatever makes you feel better. Take long soaking baths and listen to quiet music. Enjoy the peace and tranquility of nature. Take time to just be quiet and peaceful. Let your body relax while your mind and emotions are taking a break. The very worst thing you can do is to fill yourself with anxiety and be in a state of panic. Relax! This is a normal and natural state that you are in and just realize that it is temporary and will pass. Now is the time to be quiet and contemplative. You have been on a very hard journey and you need to let your body be restored and renewed. Take advantage of the quiet time to read, listen to music, walk, whatever you find comfort and solitude in.

Say out loud: “I am feeling shut down and it has caused me to be anxious. I need to realize that this is normal and just a temporary phase I am going through. I need to allow myself to rest and recuperate from the hard journey I have been on. I will rest and relax knowing that there will be more things to deal with ahead for me. I will just trust and be still. God is still with me and has not left me alone".

Depression – the Black Abyss

If you have ever been severely depressed you know exactly what I mean by the “the black abyss”. There were many times during my journey that I found myself dreaming of falling down a deep dark hole that seemed to go on forever. I would eventually catch myself and look way up to the top and see just a bare glimmer of light. In desperation, I would start climbing towards that light only to lose my grip and come tumbling down deeper and deeper in the black abyss. Depression can sap all the life out of you and leave you feeling so dejected and alone. It is very common to have suicidal thoughts when you are depressed. Please listen to me! If you are depressed, you need to inform your doctor. Don’t wait for them to notice it – you need to tell them first. Depression is easily treated. For some people just having someone to talk to can help them get out of their depression. Your doctor may refer you to a therapist who can help get you to talk about whatever is bothering you. Sometimes you may need medication. I want to help you to understand something that I really struggled with. I did not want to see a therapist or take medication because I had always been taught that “good Christian girls just pray about their problems - they don’t go to therapists”. This is pure hogwash! There is nothing wrong with seeing a therapist who can help you to deal with your abuse. God never intended for you to deal with your abuse alone –that is what other people are for – to help you. There are so many gifted counselors and therapists who can help you. Please don’t be ashamed to go to them. There is nothing that you could tell them that would shock them. They have heard so many stories before. Sometimes just being able to talk out your abuse with a therapist will help you to overcome your depression and if so that is great! For others the answer is both therapy and medication. This was my case. I had three severe bouts with depression and spent time in the psych ward so I understand what depression and despair is. The doctors decided that I needed medication. After trying several different kinds that did not work, they finally found one that did and I have been on it ever since. I do not feel the least bit ashamed that I am taking anti-depressants. I know that some people think that a Christian should never be on anti-depressants but those same people will take medicine for their heart, back pain, and whatever ails them and think nothing about it. I know there is still a stigma against seeking mental healthcare but do not let this stop you from getting the help you need. This is not a contest to see who can get through their abuse issues without help from anyone – this is ajourney that will involve other people who will give you a helping hand when you need it. You would be foolish to let your pride keep you from getting help. If other Christians give you a hard time about seeing a therapist or being on medication just realize that they do not understand what you are going through and their ignorance is showing. You take care of yourself and don’t worry about what other people think. It is important that you get the help you need and quit worrying about trying to please other people. Dealing with your abuse is hard enough without trying to listen to other people’s opinions about what you should or shouldn’t do. Only you know what is best for you. Therapy and medication will not solve your problems - they will only help you to deal with them. In the end, the healing of your heart will be a work of the Holy Spirit in conjunction with you letting Him change your heart. So if you are depressed, don’t wait one more day – there is help available and get it now! If you don’t know whom to see, just ask your doctor to refer you to someone for depression. They are used to those kinds of questions and will not think any less of you for asking.

Say out loud “I realize that I am depressed and I have been afraid to ask for help. This is keeping me for moving forward on my journey. I realize that this journey will require that I be able to let other people help me and not try to do it all on my own. I will take help from other people and not let my pride stop me from getting the help I need. I realize only God can heal my heart but He uses people to help. I will look for the people He wants to help me.”

My Abuser Calls Me a Liar

This is one of the most heartbreaking experiences that an abuse survivor goes through but also the most common experience. When abusers are confronted with what they have done, their immediate response is to blame the victim. This is just classic abuser mentality. What better way to shift the blame off of them but to discount the victim? Remember that your abuser has always been a master manipulator and this is just another tactic to try to shift the blame away from him. This is not the time to cave in and give up but to stand strong. You know the truth and you know that your abuser is lying. Don’t allow them to manipulate you – the truth will always win in the end. I understand that you will feel anger when your abuser calls you a liar– it hurts to be called that. Use that anger to help you to keep your resolve that you will not keep silent any longer. Abusers hate the truth and they hate it when you tell the truth. They want to get you to keep quiet but don’t allow them that kind of power over you. Your greatest weapon in this fight is to keep telling the truth.

Abusers are pathological liars. They are like parasites that take from others and give nothing in return. They are very adept at getting their own way and being the center of attention. They are usually well respected by others and often are seen as being charming, caring people – just the opposite of how you really know them. They often come from abusive backgrounds themselves. They are usually the kind of people that you would least expect to be abusive. They count on this image to keep on abusing.

Abusers by their very nature are selfish people–they are takers. They look at children as property that they can use for their own twisted and perverted needs not as “little people” who need to be protected and loved. Abusers are usually very good at putting on a show for other people that fools them into thinking that they could never be capable of such a heinous thing as child abuse. Don’t be surprised if other people believe his lies when he is confronted with the truth. This is where a lot of survivors run away in fear. It is understandable. Who wants to be accused of being a liar? No one! But the survivor who remains strong and refuses to back down at this point is the one who has the greatest chance of seeing their abuser punished for their crimes. It does not matter if the whole world believes your abuser – you know in your heart what really happened and God knows. This is the time to throw yourself into God’s hands and ask Him to give you the strength to remain strong.

Your abuser will often use threats to try to silence you. Don’t allow him to silence you. Do not talk to him in person because you are fighting a losing battle when you try to have a conversation with a master manipulator. Keep everything professional and insist that all conversation be in writing. This will give you documentation of what was said. Most abusers will never put anything in writing. If your abuser threatens you with harm, contact the police immediately. You need to insist that this harassment stop. You have every right to speak out about your abuse and your abuser cannot stop you. They are not allowed to harass you or to threaten you with harm. If you remain consistent and steadfast, the truth will always come out in the end. Remember you have nothing to be ashamed of – there is nothing shameful in admitting that you were sexually abused as a child. The shame is that someone would do this to a child. Place the blame where it belongs – not on you but on your abuser.

Say out loud: “The Lord is on my side. I will not be afraid of what my abuser says about me. I will speak the truth. It is the truth that sets me free. I will not carry the shame of my abuse because it does not belong to me but to my abuser. It is his shame. I will trust that God will expose the truth for everyone to see. In the meantime, I will not be silent. I will not give my abuser that kind of power over me.”

Why is it Important to Tell my Secret?

One of the most difficult things to do is to gather up the courage to tell someone about your abuse.  So many people live with the secret buried in their hearts and when it is kept in the dark, your abuser still has tremendous power over you.  Your mind will play back the memories of anything your abuser told you to reinforce his or her dominance over you.  You will be a captive to the negative thoughts that your abuser told you and what you have thought about yourself. Until you tell someone your secret, you will forever be a prisoner of your secret. As long as you keep silent, your broken heart continues to fester inside. Your wound can never heal in darkness.

Physical wounds need to be cleansed and have the dirt and foreign particles taken out of them. Then they need to have an ointment applied to disinfect the wound. After a couple of days, the bandage is removed and the wound begins to form a scab. This is the body’s way of repairing itself by creating new skin. If this is not done, then infection sets in and even a small wound left unattended can become a serious problem. Emotional wounds need the same loving care. When we are emotionally hurt, a wound develops that will continue to fester if it is not taken care of. Most abused people feel so much shame and guilt from their abuse that they begin to ignore the emotional wound by keeping it a secret in the dark. The wound begins to fester and get larger and larger. A small wound in the heart if not dealt with can become a huge gaping wound. Just as a physical wound needs the light and air to heal, so does an emotional wound. The very best gift you will ever give yourself is to tell someone your story. Find someone you know will be sympathetic to you. If you know that you will get a negative response from a relative then by all means find someone else to tell. The first person you tell should be someone you know will be understanding and compassionate. There will be more people down the road for you to tell that will not believe you or support you so it is very important that your first experience be one that is positive for you.

When you tell your secret, you need to have the person’s undivided attention. If you cannot say the words, then write them in a note and hand it to them and let them read it while you are with them. Let them absorb the information because it could come as a complete shock to them. Then tell them that you wanted to tell them because you want them to help your wounded heart to heal.

Say out loud: "Today I am determined to tell my story to someone else.  I will no longer carry the this burden alone.  I need a friend to help me.  I will accept that my abuse has wounded me long enough and I cannot continue to hide it in the darkness.  I will give myself the gift of healing by starting the first step and telling someone who cares."